Welcome to our black hole......

Thanks to those of you who have emailed me or left posts on Face book.
Things are pretty bleak here.

Not to sound like a complete drama queen, it feels like things couldn't get worse, but they do.
It's about Bugs. You can blame it on her not so wise decisions in the past, you can blame it on me for coddling her and bailing her out, blame it on Wheelie for allowing me to enable her, but the fact is, she has reached the bottom of the barrel.
The past week has been nothing but tears, hollow eyes, expressionless face.
All her energy goes to her job, in order to be a good employee and make tips. She stays late at night waiting for those assholes who feel they need to stay and linger over one beer. She needs her tip, so she has to stay. Last night it was 1:30 when she pulled up in my driveway.

Her rent is overdue, she's got $400 bucks to her name.
Her house will be auctioned off on Tuesday on the steps of City Hall. She is being bugged by debtors.
Her utilities are overdue. Her fridge pretty empty.

PH, who shares her home and bed most days isn't paying part of the rent. He has his reasons, like he's paying his mom's mortgage, big truck and bike payments, blah blah.
I finally had the chance to talk with him yesterday. Told him how worried we were, as she drove off to her job, face like a dishrag. He sounded sweet, supportive.

He's the cautious type. Not like us, we jump and go, hell or high water.
He has two job possibilities, while he hates working for the old boss. It takes him a while to make up his mind???
He is also considering giving the Navy a chance. Well, at this point he has our blessings. Good riddance.
Another manipulator? Snake in the grass? Or someone who's sensible?
Well, if he IS sensible, he should sleep in his own bed, live in his own house.

Now mind you, my daughter IS a drama queen. Her tears come easily. Freaks out at the drop of a pin. I blame myself for bailing her out every time she needed to.
And now the well is empty. My credit cards are at their limits. I have no cash.

So perhaps it's sinking in that, yes, Virginia, it's YOUR life, YOUR problem.

On Thursday she went to see my doctor, spoke with him at lenght, he gave her something for her nerves, since she didn't want any antidepressants. He wants her to gain 20 pounds. See him again in two weeks. He suggested she wait with the smoking quitting, no need for extra stress, he said, we can do that later. He wants her to EAT.

On Friday she did a few right things, went to DFACS and applied for everything she thought she was entitled to; help with daycare cost, food stamps, medicare for her and Boo. It might help, it might not, she might not qualify. But at least she made the effort.

She has called and left messages at a lawyer's office. No calls back. We need to go to court to fight the insurance company, who now says the accident was HER fault. (HUH??)
We also discovered that she lapsed her own insurance payment for a day or so, and was not insured when the accident happened, so THEY won't pay her either.

In order to get her car back I used my last credit card, paid the damn thing and the car rental as well.



So at 5 pm on Friday she calls me, wants me to come along and see some apartments she saw for rent.

WHY???

I humored her and went. I questioned her reason for looking, she can't afford to break her lease and move. She was pretty despondent. Her driving scared me. Taking wide turns, almost missing my driveway. I told her so. Told her she scared me.
After she was at DFACS she drove around all day looking for rentals. As opposed to going home and taking a good nap!



Yesterday when she was on her way to work, she called: Mom, I love you, thank you for going over and beyond for me...goodbye...

Scared me shittless, what to think of a call like that? I envisioned her aiming the car at the nearest tree.

I can SO understand people who commit suicide. Even the people you think are just fine, no problems. You never know what goes on inside a persons soul, never.
But I can understand it.

Strangely enough, my own troubles started when I was her age. More than once there was that black hole.
But I always had the balls to get through. Lots of tears, lots of worries, but in the end I always pulled myself up again.

I sincerely hope my parents forget to call me this week (it's their turn) I do not want to worry them with my tales of dread, they don't need it. I can't lie to my mother, she will know something is wrong.

Sometimes you need to take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour.
And that's where I am right now. Getting through the day playing with a two year old who's also bouncing off the wall. Not giving in to her whining...popsicle?...Binkie???....Elmo????
She finally fell asleep while I sat at the end of her bed (the one I slid off the other day and nearly broke my hip, bruising my back and hurting my pride) singing songs.

Bugs is working until 5 today. She is good at her job, extremely conscientious, if she hangs on she can really make good money, and work herself upward in the company.
She is second guessing herself now too about leaving her other job. Wondering if she should break down and go back to the better salary, the people she calls her friends (but never called after she left) the abusive boss.
Her new job is 25 miles away, so she pays ten bucks per day in gas.

Time has come for her. It's Do or Die...no pun intended. God, that sounds awful.
But it's up to her. We can only do so much, and we have. We love her to pieces, and it's so incredibly painful to see her like this.

One good thing is that Wheelie is coming out of his shell, and has been "on my side"

We'll leave the rest up to the higher powers, the common sense, and good thoughts of y'all.

SGMKJ!